I heard a story once about a doctor who was at a party and people kept coming to him to ask about their aches and pains. Eventually he met a lawyer at this same party and told this person about how this always seems to happen wherever he goes. The doctor asked if there was anything that could be done about this as it was becoming highly annoying. The lawyer reported having similar problems but found an effective solution, by sending a bill to anyone who posed a legal question at an otherwise social gathering. The doctor thought about this and agreed it would be just the thing. So, on returning home that evening, the doctor prepared bills for everyone who had asked a medical related question at the party. The next day, he took the bills to the mailbox and was just about to put them in, when he got an attack of conscience and decided it really wasn’t his style. So, he looked to see if there was any incoming mail and found only one item – a bill from the lawyer.
That is my second favorite lawyer joke. I’ll tell you my all-time favorite in a moment, but first I want to tell you about an experience I had so you can understand my feelings about the subject. A while back, which in legal terms could be anything up to the better part of a decade ago, I joined a class action lawsuit. This came about because several years ago my wife and I took a Caribbean cruise, which we enjoyed very much. I even wrote about it in my book (shameless plug for “Gold Diggers, Bean Counters and ‘Miss Management’,” available on Amazon). Not long after that, I got a call from the cruise company with an offer to take a free cruise to the Bahamas, all I would need to do was pay the amount of tax to the Bahamian government for the privilege of breathing their air or something like that. They made it sound good enough that I was actually intrigued and almost went for it, then I did some calculations based on the fact that I had been to their website and it appeared that many of their Bahamas cruises could be had for about the figure they were quoting. So, I thanked them and politely said I would pass. But they continued to call and pitch this offer a couple more times, and each time I just said no.
Some time passed and I was reading an article in an online travel site and the said that this cruise company and two others had gotten in trouble with the Federal Trade Commission over improper solicitation of these cruises (I just knew it!) and that anyone who had been contacted against their wishes could be entitled to compensation, up to $300 per incident. They left a link to a website where people could enter their phone number to see if they were eligible to join the lawsuit. I put my number in, and sure enough, they found that I had been called three times, and the company could be liable for the full amount for each instance. So, I figured, why not? I mean, it didn’t cost anything to sign on, and the full amount of the suit would be distributed among everyone who joined, less court costs and legal fees. I filled out the form on the website with all of my pertinent information and waited to hear anything.
After about a year, I was contacted by the law firm handling the case and they asked me to send verification of my phone bill to prove that I was who I said I was, and I dug up an old phone bill from the period in question and sent it off to them. More time passed and I still hadn’t heard anything, so I started to wonder if anything was going to come of this. I found the website for the travel publication and looked up any information they might have had on it, and the link they provided said that the case was progressing through the court. Eventually, every few months I would check back to see what was happening. There were updates concerning final approval hearings, a continuance of final approval hearings, striking of status hearing dates, orders to reset status hearing dates, the court taking motions for final approval under advisement, a final order approving the class action settlement, a subsequent appeal brought about by objections from consumers over the settlement. This one was key, because there turned out to be a large number of consumers with valid claims, and the available funds would only go so far. Once the court amended the order of dismissal and judgment, which would not become final until after the expiration of an additional thirty-day appeal period, the stage was set to issue payments.
And here it is. The long-awaited settlement check for the princely sum of – $25.02. Yep, after all that, apparently the ballyhooed claim of potential penalties of up to $300 for three instances of the “infraction” was dismissed as media hype. Sure, blame it on the media, where have we heard that before. Of course, all of the legal wrangling no doubt ate through some of the funds. I mean, status orders, final orders and objections don’t file themselves. So, in place of a cruise to the Bahamas I guess Maxine and I can go to Surfer Joe’s and have a couple of tropical adult beverages based on rum and tequila.
Which brings me to my favorite lawyer joke: what’s the difference between a catfish and an attorney? One is a scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
